Infidelitatea maritală – motor și frână a vieții conjugale

 Marital infidelity – engine and brake of married life

First published: 15 noiembrie 2017

Editorial Group: MEDICHUB MEDIA

DOI: 10.26416/Psih.50.3.2017.1233


The author analyses both the beneficial and the harmful effects of the extramarital relations on marital life, drawing several conclusions worth considering for sustaining a successful and pondered marriage based on both sentimental and sexual monogamy. 

extramarital eroticism, beneficial and harmful effects, public opinion


Autorul disecă efectele benefice şi dăunătoare ale relaţiilor extraconjugale asupra vieţii maritale, trasând câteva concluzii demne de luate în considerare în vederea menţinerii unui mariaj reuşit, echilibrat, bazat atât pe o monogamie sentimentală, cât şi pe una sexuală.

Cuvinte cheie

Marin Sorescu, without thinking for a moment that I will once quote his lyrics, gave me the motto of my work, in his poem entitled „Grup“:

Trăiau de mult timp împreună
Și cam începuseră să se repete:
El era ea
Și ea era el,
Ea era ea
Și el era tot ea,
Ea era, nu era,
Și el era ele,
Sau cam așa ceva.
Dimineața mai ales,
Până se alegeau bine,
Care cine mai este,
De unde și până unde,
De ce așa, și nu altminterea,
Trecea o groază de timp,
Trecea timpul ca pe apă.
Voiau uneori chiar să se sărute,
Dar își dădeau seama la un moment dat,
Că amândoi sunt ea,
Mai ușor de repetat.
Atunci începeau de spaimă să caște,
Un căscat de lână moale,
Care se putea și croșeta
În felul următor:
Una căsca foarte atent
Și cealaltă ținea ghemul.
(Translation by C. Iliescu)
They had been living long together,
And they had rather started to repeat themselves:
He was she,
And she was he.
She was she,
And he was she too.
Sometimes she either was, or she was not,
That’s when he was one she, two she-s, and many she-s.
Such used to be life, more or less.
And above all, early each morning,
Till they would get at last to demarcate
Who was each one,
Where they did start and end
Why in this way and not the other one,
A lot of time was wasted,
As carried by a river time was flowing.
They even tried to kiss sometimes,
But suddenly they realized
That both of them were she.
Much easier to duplicate.
But scared by such discovery,
Both would start yawning
A yawn of softened wool,
Which could be even knitted, the way it follows:
One she yawned very attentively,
Meanwhile, the other she was due to hold the ball.


In order to avoid a possible accusation of sexual obsession, reproaching me that the sexual aspect of man is not everything in life, who also knows about friendship, work, sadness and joy, I will continue this unusual beginning by saying that, the sexual activity associated with love gives us one of the greatest pleasures of life.

As the ultimate form of the gift-giving symbiosis, this will give us a superior ecstasy to other pleasures. At the same time, we cannot deny its role in the balance or imbalance of the psyche and flesh in our sentimental and marital life. So, we have to do an education to these needs.

I emphasize the word “must”, because what we call modern sex education is more much a parody! Caricaturizing, before 1989, after long official resistance, it finally moved to the point of telling young people that the penis came in contact with the vagina, and then there were other vague things.

Fortunately, however, young people were increasingly experiencing sexual life in a week in a wider range than their educators could do in a lifetime. Yes, because in spite of the forever moralists of the profession, it was clear that people were modeled in nature so as to copulate. So, they copulated on and on! The irony of fate, however, has played them: many of those people with precarious sex education have attributed them a sexual freedom that they could not properly apply. Because nature has escaped from being armed with an inborn sexual culture.

So, unfortunately, in our sophisticated era, it is enough for you to find a desirable partner, a quiet place, and start working. But knowing what to do and how to do is something else! I now anchor the subject of out of marriage ties, which I want to discuss more broadly.

We all know the existence of that sentimental bliss and sexual indifference in a marriage, for which many will give up sexual monogamy, maintaining only the position of marital monogamy. At this moment, the primary question that arises is: what path to follow after this abandonment?

The “moment” problem is just secondary. The “why” of the renunciation is usually lacking in motivation with the problems that arise during marriage, standing out only the final impulse, such as a sick wife or husband, the lack of the marital sex life, the need for a compassionate partner, impotence or frigidity. It is noteworthy that those from the young generation do not motivate their reproofs of conscience generated by their behavior.

No, because they do not even want rebukes! These young people, considering their partner’s life as a cowardice, a mockery, will motivate their deviations simply by searching for new emotions. The adventure itself! Why adventure? After 5-10 years of marriage, the couple, at the cost of a great effort, after a long preparation, will achieve the desired intimacy and sexual excitement, with or without orgasm. But, he’ll wonder, is it worth the effort? Especially if with someone else, somewhere, the same state can be obtained faster and simpler? With a vulgar word: “cheaper”? Satisfying in parallel the desire for success!

He has so much need to feel he’s living his life! Why adventure? The devaluation of marriages follows in principle two main trajectories (sentimental and sexual), in extramarital relationships is primarily sought a sexual reevaluation in the hope of a future sentimental revaluation. Why adventure? Probably, we agree with David Riesman, that we are attracted by the sense of adventure itself, the illusion of victory, personal liberty, the permanence of youthful elasticity.

The glory of risk. That is why besides or in the place of one we need the OTHER, maybe more ugly and worse, BUT a NEW one! We escape from the apathy of a sexual monogamy, in an extramarital relationship, proving to us, again and again, the fact that we really live. Yes, because one of the basic factors of man’s self-evaluation being his sexual capacity, in proving his masculinity and ferocity, this success will be a sort of alternative to business success.

After many thoughts, if I judge the issue in its entirety, I have to agree with the opinion of sociologist Helen Mayer of the University of New York, who claims that men are sex-centrists! Why this statement? In the continuous chase after new and new achievements, we will try to make a disjunction between sex and love. No time or need for both. It is only known that a new and beautiful mistress can be tasted, enjoyed, shown, envied, narrated or disgusted, then devoured or thrown to the garbage without any special sentiment. Why adventure? We are witnessing the revival of the quantitative tendency in sexuality. Rarely of the qualitative one.

There are few men who do not know exactly or approximate the number of their girlfriends; perhaps they also make a list of their ratings. A list meant to give him the hypertrophy of his self-confidence. Often without result! I do not know if women would be proud of the number of adventures they had. But – salutary – there are more and more women who do not deny these relationships. The aura of the eternal man in the second place disappears in their vocabulary, whispering in his ear: “after my husband, you are the second in my life”. Women over 30 years of age dare to recognize as an acceptable number of 5-7 lovers. They strike with the luxury of details with which they retain their material and social state.

Women possess a wide range of social categories of their lovers, from laborers to ministers. A scale that gives them a hierarchy among other women. What is the first adventure to justify? Love being accepted by public opinion as a sense of respect, women will motivate their adventure through the great, troubled and all-powerful love. In men, there seems to be no need for special justification. Everything is considered a sine qua non of their life. The value of sexual potency for them is represented by sexual act itself as a PRODUCT. And as any successful product, it will also be a moment of accomplishment, and in the future it will become the proof of their masculinity, a bastion of self-esteem and self-security.

The energizer of this achievement is the libido, the object of which is often not the woman itself, but the strengthening of the ego itself. That is why perhaps the primordial demand of a man is his sexual potency, whether or not followed by satisfaction, relegating to the second place if he sleeps ONLY with his beloved woman or with someone else. On a potential-centric value scale, it is expected that the balance will deviate to quantity in detriment of quality. Besides a bored wife, after years of playing the non-existent orgasm, her permanent rival, a versatile mistress, will have all the arguments to convince the man that for her wife’s lake of orgasm it is her frigidity responsible, not him.

For this, she most often uses as argument an even non-existent orgasm, to make him believe that he was the FIRST, THE GREAT male, who managed to send her to cloud nine. The role of virginity on the masculine pride is thus taken over by the first orgasm event. We can see therefore how self-confidence – shattered by so many failures and marital sexual incompetence – is regenerated during extramarital relationships, and how this regeneration will lead to a reevaluation of sexual potency. For now in the girl’s bed, and later in her wife’s. Let us now see the essence of the process in which an extramarital relationship will show its positive fruits in marriage. The husband, returning to the bridal alcove with self-confidence and regenerated sexual potency, will have more chances to get the orgasm of his wife, who has long given up for this fruit of longevity, participating in sexual intercourse only indifferently or even with a repulsion.

We become the actors of the creation of a positive circle, in which the first link of the husband’s regeneration will be bound to the second link, the reconsideration of the wife’s behavior towards her entire sexual and sentimental life. The opposite side of extramarital success is non-conjugal impotence, manifested by disturbances of sexual dynamics or early ejaculation, generated by remorses and anticipated anxiety of failure that will lead to the disability of the unusual man with adventure. In these cases, the husband with infidelity tendency will find peace and self-confidence in the success of the conjugal sexual life, which is conferred precisely by the safety, quietness and synchronization of the spouses. In the conclusion for motivating the adventures, we can find that the qualitative factors prevail in women, while for men the quantitative factors prevail.

Quality will rarely be combined with quantity. The man will, in particular, remain in the position of adventure, ecstatic pleasure, and pure sexuality. Exceptions exist, of course (rare but necessary, so that we have where to include ourselves!). What do we risk with an adventure? Apart for some exceptions, not the marriage, not the social status, and not the professional career. Because even today, if you meet the primary requirement of the game – DISCRETION –, public opinion and superiors overlook the “sin” of extramarital relations. And our partner or marriage partner usually finds out the last one or does not know the news.

So, we just waste time! From which, one way or another, is required to be accounted for. Time is therefore the primary factor that decides the period and consistency of an extramarital relationship. In a limited time, allowing only limited experiences, we will be forced to make a determination: do we or do not make love? In two hours we will not be able to focus more than that! Why exactly two hours?

Experience shows us that this is the upper limit of time we can dispose of, without any particular danger of cutting alibis for the time required for an adventure. Sometimes we will stick to an hour and a half, or even one hour, but that is already offending. What do we want from an adventure? SEXUAL SATISFACTION, if love still does not appear! That’s why a woman, lacking orgasm at home, will appreciate an adventure that gives her that satisfaction. Through the grapevine, it is rumored that “someone” is an ace in bed. The behaviour of the one will reflect these rumors, trying to confirm them with all his acts.

Success after success, it will hypertrophy overly – no, not the prostate! – but the self-esteem needed to increase sexual potency. Better potency, in turn, will yield even better results, generating even more eloquent rumors. It is a possible way of the emergence of Don Juanism. But Don Juan does not want to taint his reputation in the marriage bed either. And he will succeed! Especially because he will be helped unconsciously by that wife who once refused to approach her husband, and now, hearing the rumors about her husband’s qualities, will take part in the sexual life with another motivation. One more advantage for the couple. Not necessarily generated by her “joy”, knowing her husband’s heart, but as much as her conviction that she had been the cause of the disconnection between them.

This self-conviction will help her remodel her sentimental and sexual life. The place and time chosen to make love is one of the factors that appreciate your desire to participate in an adventure. The wide of possibilities ranges from a few days of vacation in a luxury hotel to a short, intensive sexual intercourse using the apartments of some friends, sometimes the marital residence, which at the beginning of the extraconjugal relation was “untainted”. As the excitement of feelings and material possibilities diminish, hotel category II, III, motels, campsites, forests, fields, pastures, the rear seat of the car are used. Because we do not have the necessary funds for a permanent haberdashery.

Escapades are born under the imperative of the quick hurry of adventures accepted only under the auspices of a sympathy. Oriented by the idea that without or with love, life is leaking anyway. Let it flow in as pleasantly as possible. The place of love will be taken over by a synchronicity of interests, in which we will be able to preserve our personality and individualism, with the simultaneous gain of the benefits of these adventures. That is why the whispered question of the prelude seems to me childish and ridiculous: “Isn’t that you love me, dear?” The answer, of course, will be: “Of course, baby, but first tell me what’s your name!”

Why do women often fail to get to orgasm? Social habits – sexual relationships belong to socio-cultural patterns, not to biological ones. Types formed in the troubles of social habits. Habits born into a masculine-centric society, transmitted to the following generations, with the command: “so it is right, it is done!” That is, “all for the pleasure of the man!” The sentimental factor – in the contemporary society, the sexuality has become an important way of achieving intimacy, physical and spiritual rapprochement between partners. For many women, this sexuality is perhaps the only way to get a lasting sentimental bond.

Thus, for the couple, sexuality, instead of a source of pure pleasure, will turn into tenderness and love. Sexuality will be the subject of a trivial exchange: men will simulate love for sex, and women will have sex for love. Who wins, who loses? The economic factor – in most marriages and in our days, the man is the one who clearly assumes the material expenses. Thus, often the mind of the wife will be distorted: “it is up to me, so I am forced to please him, to sleep with him”.

But I wonder: which of our obligations we meet with special pleasure? For many men, sexual intercourse is a polite rape, and for many women a tedious ritual to be endured. Women being aware that public opinion in general and their husbands in particular consider that the woman during sexual intercourse – please note: during sexual intercourse, not otherwise! – must have an orgasm, some of them will mimic a nonexistent one.

Painful, but affirming this untruth actually proves the woman’s subordination in marriage, in her intimate life. Or, we know well that no subordination is good for any superior satisfaction. Especially sexuality! Some lessons?

1. Like other areas about sexuality, we need to talk to young people without embarrassment or hypocritical puritanism. Only an open, intelligent dialogue will sweep away the fog and mystery that surrounds sexuality.

2. We need BOOKS! Many, many books! Movies, magazines, radio and TV shows about sentimental, marital and sexual life, telling young people what they want to know. What is happening with themselves and in themselves? This will break the vicious circle of old opinions, mystifications, superstitions that have produced so many mutilations, sentimental tortures among those who, believing they were the only ones who suffered from sexual or suspected infirmity, have developed a complex of inferiority that often culminated in suicide. So that the woman didn’t find out only when it comes to the premarital counsel that the baby and the urine do not come out on the same hole! Or, that the willful abstention from orgasm is not actually a contraceptive method!

3. Any nation aspiring to progress and dynamic changes – and who wouldn’t want them? – needs awareness of the collective unconscious and of social self-knowledge. A self-knowledge that includes self and sexuality!

Sexuality, as part of society, are you asking me? YES, because the unhappiness and dissatisfaction of couples will increase the number of neuroses and divorces, which is no longer just a personal problem. It can affect a whole country! Do you feel the engine spinning and how the extramarital affairs help regaining the sexual equilibrium in marriage? The salvation through this balance of relationship perhaps in the forefront of divorce lawyers? Do you also experience the sensation of an imbalance caused by a sudden braking of the aggressive-impulsive reaction of the marital partner? A radical one, the divorce, or a palliative one, deciding to continue a marriage dominated by compromise! Feeling these simultaneous sensations, you will travel in a car whose driver is simultaneously pressing on the accelerator and the brake!


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